Leaving is Difficult

7 Feb

ever since i’ve made up my mind to go back to work, it’s been extremely hard.  i don’t know if other moms understand how i feel, but it’s very difficult to explain with words how hard it is.

it honestly feels like i’m going through a very difficult break-up where i’ve been extremely attached to someone.  actually, it’s even harder.  breaking up with my husband during our dating days didn’t feel as bad as this.  it’s a mix of negative emotions; fear, anxiety, heartache.  at times i feel depressed and other times, i feel like i’m having an anxiety attack.  i wish i didn’t have to go through this and i also want this to pass quickly.

everyday, i see my daughter’s precious face and think, how am i going to survive a whole eight hours without seeing her beautiful face?  can i really do this?  is she going to be ok?  am i going to be ok?  i’m going to miss her and i’m going to miss holding her.  gosh, it’s much harder than i anticipated!

recently, my daughter started this phase where she is starting to favour her grandma and her dad, over me.  at first, i was happy that she was no longer very attached to me and it felt good to get a break but i quickly felt sad and wanted that closeness with her again.  it saddened me more because i didn’t have too much time to spend with her before returning to work.

i have spent more than a year taking care of her, loving her, being delighted by her and at times frustrated by her.  for a whole year, i haven’t really done anything other than taking care of my daughter and putting her first before anything, or anyone else.  and now, all that’s going to change.  so fast.

this is such an uncomfortable place and i’m holding tightly to god’s promise;

‘trust in the lord with all your heart.  lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.’ (proverbs 3:5-6)

i wish time could stop.

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