Archive | My Life RSS feed for this section

Finding The Perfect Man and House…

10 Mar

for the past month, our family’s been sick every single day. my husband got sick for a week, then my daughter for the week after and then it was my turn. then my husband got sick again… this cycle continued on for about a month now!

this week was my turn and my left ear was completely plugged, along with my sinuses. not fun at all! i detest taking medication but it was my only relief, especially from my mentally exhausting job that i do everyday.

thank god for my mom and us being in such close proximity to her! i don’t think i would have survived without my mom’s help!

today, we planned to go visit my in-laws, which is about 45 mins away. my mother in law is leaving to korea to attend a wedding there, so we wanted to spend some time with her before she left. i ended up not going because i was pretty much bedridden all day. my husband took our daughter there all by himself and spent the whole day there! i was so proud of them, especially my husband. i know it wasn’t easy for him because he conked out by 8:30pm! ūüôā my husband’s hard work paid off as it allowed me to have some much needed rest!

on the way home, my husband checked out some houses in burlington, ontario.

yes, we are looking for a house. we’ve been searching for a dream house for several months now.

one of the reasons why we live where we live now, is because of the close proximity to my mom’s house. we live in the same building as my mom. she lives on the 5th floor and we live on the 7th floor and i absolutely love it! we each have our own homes, so it’s not too close but still close enough. we go over to my mom’s place to have dinner at times or vice versa. it’s so convenient, especially with a baby. when i’m busy, my mom comes up to watch her for an hour or so and i don’t have to pack and drive every morning to drop off my daughter before leaving for work. i absolutely love it!

i’ve never lived very far from my mom…. obviously, i’m still pretty attached to my mom. although it’s my idea and hope to live in burlington, i’m scared to actually do it.

however, i really want to live in my dream house… i have this mental picture of a perfect house, but i know we can’t afford it. regardless of affordability, i’m still hoping to find a house that’s somewhat close to my dream house.

to find a good house at a good price has been hard work! i’ve decided that burlington was a dream city/neighbourhood. i don’t know what it is exactly, but i love that place. it’s a bit rural, yet still in the city. it’s not too far or too close to toronto. however, it’s a bit far from my mom’s house, which is in mississauga. plus, my husband and i both work in mississauga… it almost seems like living in mississauga is more of a practical and reasonable decision. so, we’ve been looking at both cities – mississauga and burlington.

looking for a house is a part time job. on top of working 8 hours a day, cooking, cleaning, taking care of a child and studying… i wish i had another me to share my workload. that would be so wonderful…

being sick and all, i started to get tired of looking for a house. the hardest part is the disappointment that you feel after seeing a house in person. how different it is from my mental picture of a perfect house and thinking… this is never going to happen. today, i actually thought about this house hunting process and thought it was very similar to finding a husband or the dream guy. you feel like it’s never going to happen, especially after many failed dates/set-ups… then the perfect one comes along when least expected and you feel like it’s too good to be true! and you have to be patient through the whole thing and stay positive. you see others with their perfect mate and feel like when is it ever going to happen to you? but when it does… you are so thankful that you waited…

i don’t know if i’m correct in saying this (since i haven’t found the perfect house yet) but i’m still hoping for it. i’m not settling for less and i’m willing to wait a long time until i find the one!

hopefully, this will happen soon!

He KNOWS Me.

8 Feb

these days, i tend to gaze at my daughter much more often and longer than usual. i don’t just look at her, like i look at a traffic light before crossing the road. i ‘look’ at her and try my hardest to remember that moment and in that moment, something magical happens – it feels like that time stops for a couple of seconds and everything moves in slow motion. just like in the movies, my daughter remains in focus and everything else becomes blurred. i’ve never experienced it before, until now. this moment passes by so fast, it almost feels like water slipping through my fingers. i want to capture it, if i can.

tonight, while putting miss ej to sleep, it happened again. time stopped and i took a good look at her. her tiny body, arms, legs and fingers… as i looked at her, i said to my myself, this is my ej. i ‘know’ that this is my little girl.

i know her. i’ve known her from the time she was in my womb. her movements, her hiccups and her stretches, i recognized them from the time when she was in my belly. after she was born, i learned to read her and understand her. now, i can tell what she wants from her expressions and her grunts.

and this wonderful experience reminded me how god ‘knows’ me, even more than how i know my daughter.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.‚ÄĚ (Jeremiah 1:5)

i know that this is in the context of god speaking to jeremiah, but i want to believe that it applies to me too. i know that he formed me and made me the person i am and knowing this, i can’t be more secure.

i hope that one day, ej recognizes that she is also made, formed and ‘known’ by god and i wish i could exemplify the extent of god’s love and care to her.

“This is what the LORD says‚ÄĒ
he who made you, who formed you in the womb,
and who will help you:
Do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant,
Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.” (Isaiah 44:2)

there is no reason to be afraid. he’s got my back.

I Wish I Was a ‘Mom-type’

3 Feb

most of the time, i consider myself as a secure and confident person. however, there is one area i feel very insecure and not confident about. it’s parenting. it hurts my pride to admit it but it’s true.

my husband is good at many things and one of the things he is good at, is saying things “freely”, without much thought or consideration. i’m not any better and i’m also guilty of saying mean things to my husband, without being considerate. after being married to my husband for almost four years, i have learned to ‘filter’ my husband’s inconsiderate comments and try to take in what he really means to say, rather than focusing on every single word. however, there are times when i’ve got mad at his careless comments and when i get mad, i get really mad. my husband calls it ‘the rage’. it’s like another side of me comes out (holy… that sounds scary!) and i make sure that my point get across, usually by yelling really loud. i’m not proud of this character flaw that i possess and it is one area i wish to change. it’s also an area that steers me away from the image of christ and i’m sadden by this fact.

ok, so. one time, my husband made a very careless, non-intentional comment. he said, ‘honey, i don’t think you are meant to be a mom. you are definitely not a mom-type. my boss’ wife is a true mom. it’s like she’s meant to be a mom. when i hear about her, i can tell that you are definitely not the mom-type’. when i heard this… i was confused and became defensive. it hurt a bit.

i know not to get mad at this type of inconsiderate comment because he doesn’t really mean what he says. i tried to keep my composure and proceeded with ‘oh, why do you say that? and why do you think your boss’ wife is a great mom, but i’m not? what does she do that i don’t?’ ok, i didn’t say this very calmly. it probably sounded very defensive and my voice probably shook a bit. i was trying hard not to be emotional and be rational. my husband answered, ‘oh, it’s because my boss’ wife loves every second that she spends with her son. she wanted to get pregnant as soon as she had her first. btw, she is pregnant again with her second and it happened without her husband’s consent! (apparently, he wasn’t too keen on having a second child so soon). my husband continued, ‘she wants to give up her career and stay home with her kids when her second child arrives’. that really stung. i think at this point, my rage started to kick in a bit.

so i drilled my husband with my ‘defensive’ questions – ‘what’s wrong with me? how do you know that your boss’ wife enjoys every second? come on, every single second? are you sure? how can you be sure? did you see her interact with her child? i do not ‘not-like’ being with our daughter. i love every single second too, but you are never there to help. you come home late, never feed her or take care of her by yourself. what do you know about parenting and being a mom?’ so on and on… the more i spoke, the louder i got. i became very emotional and irrational. you get the picture.

in response to my so called rage, my husband, often times respond by saying, ‘omg, what is your problem?’ yup, that’s it. he doesn’t explain himself or apologize. he just says this one sentence and stops talking. sometimes he adds, ‘are you on pms?’ come on, i need more than that… he can’t just stop talking about it! however, i do know why he responds this way. he’s shocked by my emotional response to something so minuscule and ambiguous.

oftentimes, i shut down at this point. i say, forget it, i don’t want to talk about it because it’s not worth it. i say this because i feel like he won’t understand how i feel, even if i explained, so i don’t want to waste my energy trying to explain and be hurt by the disappointing result.

however, i argued with him this time. i felt that i was misunderstood by him. i didn’t want him to think that i don’t like parenting or taking care of our daughter. i wanted him to authentically view me as the ‘mom-type’ or i wanted to be that ‘mom-type’, although i didn’t really understand the criteria. after a heated discussion, i realized that what he meant to say was that he views me as a career-driven person and not a stay-at-home mom. he doesn’t think that i’m less of a mom or that i don’t do a good job. he knows that i’m a good mom and i do a good job. he was simply commenting on how he perceived me, that’s all.

i knew his intentions were not bad. however, it still bothered me a lot because of these reasons;

1. the fact that i want to further my career and have a job, other than housework and parenting. perhaps, this desire disqualifies me from being that ‘mom-type’

2. i was happy with having just one child. at this point in my life, i do not want a second child. i hope to have a second child in the future, but not right now. maybe the ‘mom-type’ constantly wants more children, because they enjoy it so much.

3. perhaps the reason for feeling this way (point #2) is because there are so much risks in going through pregnancy and labour. due to my condition, portal vein aneurysm, pregnancy and labour are the most dangerous times for me. there is a chance that i may not survive through it. i’m not afraid of dying, but after having my daughter, i’m very scared that i might not be there for her or she may have a very sick mother. i need to live and be healthy for her. so unconsciously, i became very hesitant to be pregnant again. i love kids and as much as parenting is hard, i would totally go through it again because it’s so worth it. my husband’s comment was more hurtful because it seemed like he didn’t care about my concerns. not that he wants a second child right away (he doesn’t either) but i wanted to be understood and comforted by him. i don’t know how he can comfort me but i wanted him to understand that having another child isn’t an easy decision for me, not like other healthy women.

4. in all honesty, part of me does not want a second child at this moment because of my future plans. i want to do and accomplish a couple of things before having another child. i want to enjoy a bit of rest and enjoy my daughter before getting overwhelmed with a needy baby. i worry that this is a big disqualification point in becoming a ‘mom-type’. perhaps, good moms or the ‘meant to be moms’ don’t think about their comfort or their own future plans (or their future plans are more babies). they’d rather spend ‘their time’ with a needy baby.

all these insecurities elicited such an emotional response from me to my husband’s comment. it was a mix of guilt and fear of judgement. and it was also wanting to seem like the perfect mom who is good at parenting.

i’m not good at this mom stuff. it’s hard and i feel like i can never master it. i know that i can only grow from it and i am happy with that.

update: i’m still on the fence with my decision to go back to work. if i do, i would be starting work in 2 weeks. for now, i’m almost sure i’m going back to work.

My Favourite Things…

20 Jan

today, i had a chance to look at some of the pictures that i took in the past month or so.  looking back at these pictures, it reminded of me some of my favourite moments with my family.

here are some;

i love seeing father and daughter play together. ¬†it’s such a special relationship and it warms my heart to see them together. ¬†seeing them play, laugh and have fun is one of my favourite things.

            

like many women out there, i’m also a fan of shoes. ¬†i adore shoes. ¬†for myself and also for my daughter. ¬†i have a whole collection of shoes for my daughter and for most of them, she only wore them once or twice but they are too cute. ¬†my husband thinks i buy way too many shoes for our daughter, but i really can’t resist… ¬†they are one of my favourites!

          

spending quality time with my husband, eating yummy food with some bubbly is one of my favourites. ¬†ok, we don’t eat or drink like this all the time. ¬†this was from our new year’s eve celebration.

last, but not least… my daughter and her long, curly eye lashes. ¬†she has the longest and curled-up lashes i’ve ever seen and i don’t know where she got them from! ¬†anyways, it’s definitely one of my favourite things…

speaking of favourites, my daughter also has some of her own favourites.

                     

before she turned one, she just loved going through tunnels. ¬†not so much anymore. ¬†she also likes this mini trampoline and she still does. ¬†she’s very active and anything that gets her going… are her favourite things (thus far).

                      

my daughter is obsessed with letters and books. ¬†every so often, she gets up in the middle of the night and requests that i read her some books. ¬†she will grab a book and bring it to me and start flipping pages in the dark, at 3 a.m. ¬†i think she has a bit of an obsessive personality… when she likes something, that’s all she does, all day long. ¬†the second picture shows one of her favourite toys. ¬†she becomes obsessed with closing these pop up animals. ¬†she has to make sure that everything is closed, otherwise, she can’t move on. ¬†it’s kinda cute now, but probably not so much, if she continues to be like this.

             

i guess this is both my daughter’s and my favourite thing – hanging out at indigo bookstore. ¬†miss ej has lots of fun playing with different toys and i get to have my starbucks and shop around. ¬†win-win.

ok, i almost forgot to put my hubby’s favourites. ¬†he’s a simple guy, so he doesn’t have too many favourites, but here are a few;¬† ¬† ¬†¬†¬† ¬† ¬†¬† ¬† ¬†

yes, it is in order… first, ufc. ¬†second, nba. ¬†third, macbook air (and steve jobs). ¬†miss ej must get her obsessiveness from her dad, because my husband can spend many hours watching or utilizing these things. ¬†these are his all time favourites.

however, i have to admit.  i know that these two people in the below picture trump everything.  as much as my husband loves jesus, he loves us just as much.  my daughter and i are so thankful and very lucky to have him as husband and dad.

btw… an update (from my past post).

so i ended up applying to a position at a highly reputable company. ¬†i got a call the next morning. ¬†i had a phone interview on the same day, in the afternoon. ¬†an in person interview occurred the day after, at 8:30 a.m. ¬†i had three sets of gruelling interviews with 6 different people, in a span of 2 hours. ¬†i ended up getting an offer at the end of my interview. ¬†this was the fastest offer i’ve ever received. ¬†i still have not made my decision, more so because this happened unexpectedly and way too fast. ¬†i have not had much time to think or pray about it. ¬†i usually take a long time (months) to make a decision, especially an important one such as this… ¬†at this point, i’m not leaning to any decision and i can definitely go either way. ¬†i’ll be¬†praying and seeking god’s direction over the weekend and plan to talk it over with the family. ¬†currently, i’m excited for a new opportunity and to be working again, yet, feel guilty to leave my daughter behind. ¬†if i do go back to work, my comfort is that my mom will be taking care of my daughter and she doesn’t have to be left at a daycare all day long. ¬†however, i do want to stay with her and watch her grow. ¬†i think by early next week, i will have some answers. ¬†to¬†be continued…

Moms, We Can All Relate!

19 Jan

i stumbled upon a blog and i just loved this post.  i laughed, nodded and even cried at some parts.  i am certain that every mom will appreciate this post!

Source –¬†http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

Don’t Carpe Diem
Glennon Melton | Jan 14, 2012

Every time I’m out with my kids — this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers — “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” — those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times — G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes by so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add — “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up — I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me. I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. It’s those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is — This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God — she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.

Sacred Parenting…

15 Jan

kids are so wonderful. they bring so much joy and warmth to our hearts. they are so innocent, affectionate and amazingly adorable to look at and to hold. i love the way they smell, even their sweat smells much more sweeter than us, adults.

but having your own kid is quite different from occasional babysitting. ¬†it requires a great amount of patience and sacrifice. ¬†in the book, ‘sacred parenting’, the author mentions how we, as parents often have kids for narcissistic reasons. ¬†it’s like marriage. ¬†we have a romanticized view of what marriage is like, but in reality, it’s far from the what we ever imagined it to be. ¬†in the same way, we might have kids to feel that we can be a hero to our kids or to obtain a sense that our kids would validate us as a man or woman. ¬†although these motivations, as noble as they may sound, are still narcissistic at root, based on an idealized notion of children and a romanticized view of what family life is really like. (paraphrased from sacred parenting by gary thomas)

one of my friends wanted to have a kid for a long time, a couple of years or so. ¬†she finally got pregnant and when the awful pregnancy symptoms kicked in with full force, she was unhappy and said, how come no one told me how difficult this was! ¬†i told her i understand her pain. ¬†i wanted to warn her that it gets even worse when the kid comes out, but i bit my tongue because i didn’t want to scare her.

i don’t blame this friend. ¬†i felt similar way when i was pregnant. ¬†i knew i was in for a rough ride once morning sickness kicked in with the body pain, headache, backache, fatigue, breathing difficulties, bloating, heaviness… and the list goes on. ¬†i remember feeling that i wished someone could carry my baby, just for one day, so that i can get some rest.

then there is labour. ¬†i don’t think i need elaborate on this…

and when the baby arrives, there are sleepless nights, growth spurts, teething, feeding issues, sleeping issues, spitting up, hours of crying (without particular reason) and illness.

of course, pregnancy, birth and parenting do bring good things, but i write these things to explain what it’s like… i mean, really like, to have a child of your own. ¬†it is my hope that every mom-to-be understands and expects that there will be hard days, more often than good days, and really questions themselves, if they are ready to sacrifice their life for their child. ¬†why do i care? ¬†because, my own mother was not ready to have a child when she had me. ¬†it was a tough time for my mom and due to many difficulties in her personal life, i was left to live with my grandma. ¬†i grew up not really having a mom around, and even when i came back to live with my parents, my mom was still not around. ¬†it gets pretty lonely and sad when you are left home alone. ¬†probably the worst feeling for a child. ¬†my mom thought i will eventually understand why she had to do the things that she did, but in all honesty, i don’t really understand. ¬†i would never do what she did. ¬†she’s a wonderful mom now, but her neglect in the past did affect me in many ways. ¬†that is why i strongly feel that a parent should only have a child when they are mature and ready. ¬†ready, in a way that you are willing to sacrifice your own life for your child. ¬†isn’t sacrifice a mother’s instinct? ¬†doesn’t it come naturally? ¬†i would like to think that it does come naturally, but in reality, i don’t think it does for everyone.

a close friend of mine is studying to become a doctor. ¬†she just finished med school and during her rotation, she interned at one of the big hospitals in toronto. ¬†during her internship, she encountered an infant (probably a couple of months old), who came into the hospital because she would not eat or stop crying. ¬†after the examination, the doctors found that her tiny ribs were broken and further examinations revealed that her arms and other bones were broken as well. ¬†not only that, her esophagus was punctured. ¬†my friend explained that for babies, their rib bones can only be broken by physical trauma/abuse. ¬†also, the puncture seemed like it was made by a hard object, while forcing food down into the baby’s throat. ¬†the doctors suspected physical abuse and they reported it to social services.

when i heard this story, it absolutely broke my heart and it literally made me sick.

i’m not a perfect parent or mom by any means and i’m in no place to judge. ¬†there are times when i lose my patience and it feels like i can’t control my anger. ¬†at those times, i have walked away from my crying daughter to calm myself down. ¬†and a few times, i have gotten angry at her and have yelled ‘no!’, instead of talking to her gently and calmly.

parenting is difficult because your words and actions could affect and shape your child’s behaviour, habits, personality, character, values and many more. ¬†raising a child has to be one of the biggest responsibilities that god has given us and although we, as parents can’t be perfect, i believe that we should try our best, not for anyone else, but in obedience to god.

having all these things in my mind, my husband and i have decided that i will not return to work and stay at home with my daughter until i receive my tesl certification and find a part time job teaching esl.  one of the reasons for my career change was so that i could be there for my daughter, as much as i can.

my previous career was within the purchasing industry. ¬†i enjoyed being a purchaser and the type of work i did. ¬†and for the past few weeks, i’ve been torn because i’ve been missing it. ¬†i love being with my daughter, playing with her all day, but i began to miss the creativity and challenges that i faced while working as a purchaser. ¬†don’t get me wrong. ¬†working full time in the corporate world is not easy. ¬†it has struggles of its own and now with a child, it would only be harder because i now would have to juggle work and parenting.

i also pondered about my pursuit in obtaining the tesl certification. ¬†would i really enjoy teaching esl? ¬†would i feel fulfilled or like it better than being a purchaser? ¬†i do have experience in teaching and i did enjoy it and felt accomplished while teaching students, but i can’t say that it was the best experience i’ve ever had.

i finished (and passed) two of my tesl courses and i’m currently enrolled in my third and fourth courses. ¬†if i give up now, it would be a waste. ¬†however, if i don’t end up teaching or like teaching esl… then, it would even be a bigger waste.

so out of curiosity, i have looked at job boards to see what kind of opportunities were available in the purchasing industry. ¬†as i searched and contemplated, a feeling of guilt settled in… ¬†if i apply and get a job, i can no longer be there for my daughter for most of the day. ¬†i would only see her for a few hours a day and on weekends. ¬†would she feel neglected? ¬†am i becoming my own mother, leaving my daughter to her grandmother?

and i thought about the sacrifice that i wrote earlier… is my career or the feeling of wanting to work, one of the sacrifices that i need to make in order to become the mom that i aspire to be?

i don’t have answers and have not made a decision yet. ¬†i’m praying and praying, seeking god’s direction and wisdom.

all i can say at this point is that sacred parenting, more specifically, making decisions that honour god, your child and family are not easy.

while washing dishes this afternoon, i wondered how other moms make their decisions. ¬†how about moms with 3 or more kids? ¬†they not only have to consider one child, but two more. ¬†how do they do what they do, day in and out? ¬†being a mom has to be the most difficult and under appreciated job in the world. ¬†for moms who have 3 or more kids, i honestly, from the deepest part of my heart, believe that they deserve some kind of reward, regardless of how they parent or how their kids turn out… a big, fat reward which consists of a month long holidays at one of the best spas in miami should be sufficient.

DONE!

11 Dec

my exams are done and i have officially completed two of my TESL courses!

i am so happy.

i can now spend as much time as i want with my little princess, miss ej and i can finally finish reading my book, ‘sacred parenting,’ that i started to read from months ago. ¬†i can’t wait!!

i also had the best examination experience today. ¬†teachers should learn from my exam invigilator/full-time grade 7 teacher. ¬†before i started the exam, she made me feel relaxed, comfortable… assured me that i will do fine. ¬†she was organized, accommodating. ¬†she offered 5 different pens (i guess in case they run out?), offered different types of drinks, fruits, and yummy snacks. ¬†the exam room (invigilator’s house) was bright, warm, beautifully staged and decorated with the prettiest and trendiest furniture and christmas decorations… which were mostly created/modified by her!

this individual always inspires me, every time i see her and speak to her. ¬†no wonder she’s a great teacher, mentor and friend to so many people. ¬†she possesses many talents and abilities that are worth bragging about yet, she is so humble and unpretentious. ¬†she is one of my favourite people and¬†i absolutely adore her.

today was the first time i’ve been away from miss ej for a long period of time (11 hours). ¬†apparently, she had looked for me all day by checking each room a thousand times to see if i was there. ¬†at times, she stood in front of the bathroom, thinking that i would come out soon. ¬†apparently, she was sad all day and cried a lot. ¬†i think she missed me more, because she was sick. ¬†she needed my comfort and i feel awful that i wasn’t there for her.

today was also my husband’s company’s christmas dinner. ¬†it started at 6 p.m. and i finished my exams at 7 p.m., arrived home at 7:20 p.m. so we didn’t ¬†end up going. ¬†again, i felt awful that he missed this event because of me and i regret not texting him during my exam to tell him to go without me. ¬†my apologies to mr. jq’s bosses…

overall, the exam wasn’t too bad. ¬†it was difficult, but at least, i knew the answers to all of the questions. ¬†does it mean i did well? ¬†probably not, because i’m not sure if i was able to explain my knowledge clearly and¬†succinctly. ¬†i’m glad it’s over and i’ll be happy with any mark, as long as it’s a passing mark.

it’s been a long day. ¬†i’m finally going to get my well-deserved sleep!