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I Wish I Was a ‘Mom-type’

3 Feb

most of the time, i consider myself as a secure and confident person. however, there is one area i feel very insecure and not confident about. it’s parenting. it hurts my pride to admit it but it’s true.

my husband is good at many things and one of the things he is good at, is saying things “freely”, without much thought or consideration. i’m not any better and i’m also guilty of saying mean things to my husband, without being considerate. after being married to my husband for almost four years, i have learned to ‘filter’ my husband’s inconsiderate comments and try to take in what he really means to say, rather than focusing on every single word. however, there are times when i’ve got mad at his careless comments and when i get mad, i get really mad. my husband calls it ‘the rage’. it’s like another side of me comes out (holy… that sounds scary!) and i make sure that my point get across, usually by yelling really loud. i’m not proud of this character flaw that i possess and it is one area i wish to change. it’s also an area that steers me away from the image of christ and i’m sadden by this fact.

ok, so. one time, my husband made a very careless, non-intentional comment. he said, ‘honey, i don’t think you are meant to be a mom. you are definitely not a mom-type. my boss’ wife is a true mom. it’s like she’s meant to be a mom. when i hear about her, i can tell that you are definitely not the mom-type’. when i heard this… i was confused and became defensive. it hurt a bit.

i know not to get mad at this type of inconsiderate comment because he doesn’t really mean what he says. i tried to keep my composure and proceeded with ‘oh, why do you say that? and why do you think your boss’ wife is a great mom, but i’m not? what does she do that i don’t?’ ok, i didn’t say this very calmly. it probably sounded very defensive and my voice probably shook a bit. i was trying hard not to be emotional and be rational. my husband answered, ‘oh, it’s because my boss’ wife loves every second that she spends with her son. she wanted to get pregnant as soon as she had her first. btw, she is pregnant again with her second and it happened without her husband’s consent! (apparently, he wasn’t too keen on having a second child so soon). my husband continued, ‘she wants to give up her career and stay home with her kids when her second child arrives’. that really stung. i think at this point, my rage started to kick in a bit.

so i drilled my husband with my ‘defensive’ questions – ‘what’s wrong with me? how do you know that your boss’ wife enjoys every second? come on, every single second? are you sure? how can you be sure? did you see her interact with her child? i do not ‘not-like’ being with our daughter. i love every single second too, but you are never there to help. you come home late, never feed her or take care of her by yourself. what do you know about parenting and being a mom?’ so on and on… the more i spoke, the louder i got. i became very emotional and irrational. you get the picture.

in response to my so called rage, my husband, often times respond by saying, ‘omg, what is your problem?’ yup, that’s it. he doesn’t explain himself or apologize. he just says this one sentence and stops talking. sometimes he adds, ‘are you on pms?’ come on, i need more than that… he can’t just stop talking about it! however, i do know why he responds this way. he’s shocked by my emotional response to something so minuscule and ambiguous.

oftentimes, i shut down at this point. i say, forget it, i don’t want to talk about it because it’s not worth it. i say this because i feel like he won’t understand how i feel, even if i explained, so i don’t want to waste my energy trying to explain and be hurt by the disappointing result.

however, i argued with him this time. i felt that i was misunderstood by him. i didn’t want him to think that i don’t like parenting or taking care of our daughter. i wanted him to authentically view me as the ‘mom-type’ or i wanted to be that ‘mom-type’, although i didn’t really understand the criteria. after a heated discussion, i realized that what he meant to say was that he views me as a career-driven person and not a stay-at-home mom. he doesn’t think that i’m less of a mom or that i don’t do a good job. he knows that i’m a good mom and i do a good job. he was simply commenting on how he perceived me, that’s all.

i knew his intentions were not bad. however, it still bothered me a lot because of these reasons;

1. the fact that i want to further my career and have a job, other than housework and parenting. perhaps, this desire disqualifies me from being that ‘mom-type’

2. i was happy with having just one child. at this point in my life, i do not want a second child. i hope to have a second child in the future, but not right now. maybe the ‘mom-type’ constantly wants more children, because they enjoy it so much.

3. perhaps the reason for feeling this way (point #2) is because there are so much risks in going through pregnancy and labour. due to my condition, portal vein aneurysm, pregnancy and labour are the most dangerous times for me. there is a chance that i may not survive through it. i’m not afraid of dying, but after having my daughter, i’m very scared that i might not be there for her or she may have a very sick mother. i need to live and be healthy for her. so unconsciously, i became very hesitant to be pregnant again. i love kids and as much as parenting is hard, i would totally go through it again because it’s so worth it. my husband’s comment was more hurtful because it seemed like he didn’t care about my concerns. not that he wants a second child right away (he doesn’t either) but i wanted to be understood and comforted by him. i don’t know how he can comfort me but i wanted him to understand that having another child isn’t an easy decision for me, not like other healthy women.

4. in all honesty, part of me does not want a second child at this moment because of my future plans. i want to do and accomplish a couple of things before having another child. i want to enjoy a bit of rest and enjoy my daughter before getting overwhelmed with a needy baby. i worry that this is a big disqualification point in becoming a ‘mom-type’. perhaps, good moms or the ‘meant to be moms’ don’t think about their comfort or their own future plans (or their future plans are more babies). they’d rather spend ‘their time’ with a needy baby.

all these insecurities elicited such an emotional response from me to my husband’s comment. it was a mix of guilt and fear of judgement. and it was also wanting to seem like the perfect mom who is good at parenting.

i’m not good at this mom stuff. it’s hard and i feel like i can never master it. i know that i can only grow from it and i am happy with that.

update: i’m still on the fence with my decision to go back to work. if i do, i would be starting work in 2 weeks. for now, i’m almost sure i’m going back to work.

Let me introduce…

25 Nov

my family.

my husband, mr. jq. is a gentle, loving and good hearted person that i adore (most of the time). he is also the funniest guy i know. one of his greatest characteristics is his sense of humour. he’s pretty silly and corny but i guarantee, he will make you laugh. he works in the i.t. industry, currently as an i.t. recruiter. he has a weird obsession to know about every thing/topic. he will surf and research on the web for hours, even days and acquire unnecessary information, news about anything. however, as a by product, he’s one of the first people to know about the best deals and sales in town.

we got hitched 3.5 years ago. we met at church while i was overseeing that particular church. we eventually hooked up and it all began when he invited me to his birthday dinner. the rest is history… 🙂

my first and only daughter, miss ej. she was born late 2010, the year of the tiger (specifically the white tiger, which comes once every 100 years). her personality matches her year; she is fierce, strong and persistent. she will not back down until she gets what she wants, but more than anything, she loves to laugh, play and is a very affectionate child. she not only has a big personality, but she is also physically very tall (and big, but not fat!). she is currently 11 months old, but fits into 18 month old clothes perfectly. the last time i checked, she is in the 95th percentile in height and 50th percentile in weight. because she is so big, her development has been fast as well. she babbled, crawled and walked earlier than most babies. and currently, she walks well, holding our hands, and all she wants to do is walk, walk, walk.

i will admit, parenting is one of the hardest things i’ve done and taking care of a baby wasn’t easy at first, but my husband and i matured and became more patient and loving through her. the joy and love she brings to us is greater than anything we’ve experienced. we would not trade it for anything else.

my child, before miss ej, was my dog, miss r. she is a 5 lb maltese, good in nature, but very needy. ever since our daughter was born, she hasn’t been getting much attention and became even more needy.

then me…

i was born in 1977 in south korea, unlike my husband who was born in 1979, in ontario, canada. i came to canada in 1988, not knowing a word of english, but i managed to learn. 🙂

i got married at age 31, never thinking i would actually ever get married. i wanted to have a child on my own with a sperm donor, which almost caused my mum a heart attack.

i had various careers, met amazing people along the way, but some, not so amazing.

a couple of years ago, i found that i have a condition called a portal vein aneurysm which i might blog about in the future. it’s a very rare condition and just like any aneurysm, the vein could ‘pop’ in any minute and could be fatal but i’m not the type to live in fear. this condition motivates me to live every day as though it is my last day on this earth.

i’m currently on maternity leave (one month left!), studying part-time to become a certified ESL teacher. taking care of a baby full time and studying part time has been somewhat difficult but i secretly enjoy being able to use my brain and engaging in intellectual matters, not just poopy diapers and drool.

i hope to finish my studies by the end of next summer and at around this time next year, i hope to be working part-time.

i love to cook, especially for miss ej. i’m keen about making nutritious meals, yet making them taste good, like really good! 🙂 i think through the canadian food guide and make sure that my dishes have the right amount of protein, carbs, veggies and fruits. i’m proud to say, miss ej has been doing well, especially with iron and protein intakes, which are essential for babies around her age. it’s so interesting how babies will eat or not eat the same kind of food, depending on how you prepare it. miss ej hates avocados, although i’ve given it to her since she was 5 months old. however, i mix it with her rice and some veggies and then, she loves it!

so, i’ll end my post with the dish that i prepared for dinner tonight. i was rushed and made it in 10 minutes, since miss ej was in a bad mood due to fatigue and teething…

it’s a korean dish called jeayookbokguem (with tofu). a dish that goes well with korean traditional rice wine called ‘so-ju’.

oh… miss ej had tuna&veggie congee (i didn’t have a chance to take a picture).